Here are my top five prognostications for this brand new year.

1. In the coming months, any unusually hot, cold, wet, dry, windy, calm, fragrant or smelly weather will be confidently attributed to “climate change” and cited as harbinger of impending doom unless we immediately transfer all individual autonomy to the government, all national sovereignty to the U.N., and control of the planet to Raelian overlords from the constellation Gamma Globulin.
2. The percentage of Dallas-area radio stations broadcasting in Spanish (currently 42%) will grow to 50%. (Más gringos tendrán que suscribir a XM para oír la música que no ofrece el acordión.)
3. The writers strike will drag on and millions, weary of reality television programs and compilations of “America’s wildest police chases” will turn off their television sets and rediscover that forgotten living room art our great grandparents enjoyed—Indian leg wrestling.
4. Several Chinese exports of lead products will be recalled when they are found to contain dangerously high levels of plastic.
5. Britney Spears will wage a costly court battle with Amy Winehouse over the rights to the internet url, “tragicdownwardspiral.com.”