Spoiler Alert! 

I haven’t read a single line of a single Harry Potter novel. Nor has anyone in my household. But it’s all the buzz. This new one is about some “deadly mallows,” which is apparently a reference to some poisoned sugary confections.

It’s all very sad really. First a lot of stuff happens. Then a Snipe kills a Bumbledork, as many people speculated might happen. But then Smeldebard learns about it and is really ticked, and goes on a Snipe hunt.

There were lots of rumors about Smeldebard kidnapping Don, but they were so bogus. Don is actually killed by Beatrix Potter in The Battle of Hogswallup. Then a bunch of things are magically turned into other things. And then some of those things are turned back into the things they were. But not all of them. Wands are waved.

By the way, Harry Potter is not a horcrux. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)

Eventually, Smeldebard is killed in the Department Of Motor Vehicles. And Harry doesn’t die.

It all ends with Harry, Hermione Gingold, and Kramer locked up in jail. And then he wakes up beside Suzanne Pleshette. It was all a dream.